What the hell,
   So yeah I have had a few beers and I'm getting a little irritated about Matt not really wanting to spend time with me. I get so tired of making plans and then have him back out or do something else. maybe I should just not make myself as available as I am for him. I wonder if he takes me for granted or he just doesn't care anymore to spend time with me.
        I knew it would be hard when we got back to school because he and everyone else and there mom would want to see each other. I get the feeling. . .  well shit I just don't know  I think one thing and then he tells me another. I always feel like he is sckolding me for thinking and feeling the way I do sometimes.

Then his drinking bothers me sometimes. I don't like it when he comes over and he is drunk. He is either really pissy and touchy, or he is all over me, witch is fine, but I want him to want me because he loves me not because he is drunk and horny.  Shit who knows, maybe I'm just pissed because I want him to want to spend time with me the way I want to spend time with him.
     Fuck it
  
                                 Maybe he does want to spend time with me, but how the hell would i know. He needs to tell me. I'm not a Fucking mind reader. I mean shit I can read everyone else but him it seems like.
 

I have been planing to go see my Boyfriend this Aug but not so sure that is going to happen. Nothing bad, but he is going to be so busy that me being there could make it harder on him. I don't want that but I also am being kind of selfish and really want to go out there. I have been excited and worried about it for ever now and I am dyeing to see him. Even if it is only for a few days. That is a few days I didn't have with him before. I really hope we can work something out. God I pray we can. I miss him so much. What to do.

Some times I really wish I could just turn off my brain. Think like an normal person in a relationship. But its just so hard, The last long distance relationship I had the guy didn't call me at all and things started falling apart and I think thats why I get all weird when Matt doesn't call Me. My brain instantly jumps to "He stooped loving me," or something else equal stupid. My brain always jumps to the worst.
But then Its like I take a step away from myself and I go "SHut up you idiot he is probably busy and will call you when he has time." Like he did last night.
He always knows what to say to me. I had not mentioned a thing to him about not talking for a few days and he calls and of course his phone starts being gay and cuts out. then he gets online and tells me he misses me and wishes he could fall asleep next to me and all these wonderful things and I instantly feel better because I know this is hard on him.

I think that is the hardest part of a long distance relationship. To make sure both parties are feeling the same. That they both miss each other like crazy and they still want to see them and that at the end of the day all this bullshit is worth it.

The feeling of being alone in a relationship is the worst. Being the only one who is trying to make it work and to feel like you are the only one feeling this way can really hurt.


So helpful hint for the guys, be vocal about how you feel. I know thats gay and you hate it when someone else is bitch and emotional
to you, but this is your Girl. And she really wants to know how you are feeling, so that she knows that she is not alone in the relationship.

Oh also key point Keep the conversations up beat. Find something funny to tell each other.
I herd a cute quote:
When I hear something that makes me Laugh, I want to call you because I want you to laugh too.

     So i drank alot last night. I wasn't planing on it but its been a wrough week. There's that whole guest being here that I don't like but I'm being nice to because everyon is telling me to. But other then that I miss Matt and I wonder how he has been feeling about us. How he thinks things are going. Its hard because I want to ask but I try not to be so much of a girl Asking "How do you feel"  using to word feel to much can get irritating, To say the least. I don't know I guess I just want to know if I'm calling to much or if he wants his space. I know 3000 mils is a lot but sometimes guys don't liked to be bugged by our questiond and just daily bullshit us woman love to talk about.

    He has been calling me but not as much as I like. and I don't want to give him a hard time about it because if he doesn't want to call me then there is a reason. He is either bored with me or getting sick. But remember thats if he doesn't want to call me. Most the time I have to chock it up to most guys just not thinking about it or remembering. Ladies just because a guy doesn't remember to call you dosen't mean that he isn't thinking about you. They can get side tracked easily, and before you know it its 12:30 at night and they don't want to wake you up.

   But what most men don't know is that if you say your going to call and then it gets to late and you think we are alseep, we're not. We are up waiting to hear from you because you siad you were going to call. So to stay out of trouble I say call. Talk for a min, Tell us you care and want us to go to sleep because you care about us being tired for work, class, ec. And thats all we really want. Just let us know we are on your mind, that you think of us just as much as we think of you. And believe me we think about you whole Lot.

     Its funny how men and woman think so differently. Oh well, we will all just have to get over it.  

    God I had such a long day. Last night I fell asleep early and Matt called me about 1ish. I was happy about it because I hadn't talked to him all day so I wanted to talk to him a bit because I had some what of a good day. I got a great new hair cut. Anyways we are not on the phone for maybe 2 min. and the phone dropped the call. Then I'm not to sure about then next part but I think the back fell off the phone and then he couldn't pick it up with out the battery falling out.

    I got online after trying to call him, Lets just say a bunch. It was really wierd becuase I was trying to stay calm because I knew he was pissed and I know things have been building for a while and I don't know I guess I'm just being sensitive because I thought he was mad at me so I fell asleep and then woke up about 3 and wrote him I was going to bed.

    This morning I woke up about 8 and got on the road to go pick up Joe. And when we finaly  did he got car sick for about an hour. from the airport to Chick flya, to the mall. I guess he just gets car sick or something. you think he would get over or grow out of it but he didn't so I don't know what the hell is up with that.

  I was getting pissed because every 5 min he was calling and updating me on where he was at the mall, then I couldn't find anything at the mall and I was just not in a happy mood. Seeing Joe just rubs me the wrong way. But then Matthew called me and Its like the whole world fades away and I calm down. I don't know he just relaxes me, and excites me all at the same time. God I hope he never reads this. Trying to pull the independet Woman thing off, but I think I'm failing, and falling hard for him. That scares me, I don't want to get hurt again. But thats another blog.